In answer to a comment from yesterdays post.... It is often very hard to continue loving someone when that person continues to do or say hurtful things to you. This is especially hard when that person should be one of your closest allies and supports. Often, others do not know of the impact their words have on us... sometimes they don't care. Yet does that qualify us to step away from our own loving sphere and enter another's of malice and discontent? One hard element of love is understanding that others attitudes and hurtful words are not always about us. It is about them... and how they have experienced (or not experienced) love in their lives. Maybe they are hurting inside and do not know how to make themselves feel better. At times we ourselves bring others down in an attempt to make ourselves feel better. Sadly, this is just a temporary and false solution... the problem still remains. So how do we deal with these people in our lives? I confess I do not have all the answers. All I know is that the answer lies somewhere in love. I also know that setting boundaries and holding to them is one way of showing love to ourselves and those who try to cross them. Firmness does not take away love... sometimes it solidifies it.
For those who veiw this blog, I would appreciate feedback and help to answer some of the difficult questions of love. I am no expert, but I know we each have experiences and successes that have taught us more about genuine love.
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3 comments:
It is very painful for someone who is close to us to criticize and constantly give negative feedback. If we listen to it constantly, it can rob us of our power. Holding our borders means not letting those comments always come. Perhaps this person needs support for ideas to say in response. The comments back are not a reflection of the issue (what is being criticized), but about the relationship. It means you say things like, "That really hurts when you talk to me like that." Or, "I don't appreciate all this criticism." "If you going to say more negative things, please don't talk to me. I already feel badly enough." "I really don't want to be around you if this is the response I always get."
You don't want to give another person your power. Part of the bad feelings are when you feel helpless about doing something about it. You have to come back with powerful words yourself. Not doing the same negative thing--but doing something that says I'm not just going to take this. Making decisions for yourself and not letting others make your decisions. Sometimes it means not getting locked into too much conversation. The less you say can often be more powerful.
This is something I continually struggle with. I never feel like I can tell somebody what they are doing is hurting my feelings (unless it's family, go figure). I feel like I should just absorb the pain and try to let it go. The problem is, if you absorb it, you can't let it go--not without hard work. I then have to remind myself of the talk Elder Bednar gave in a recent General Conference address, about not taking offense so easily. Sometimes, I let insignificant things get to me too much, and allow myself to be hurt. I'm learning to brush off the things people say that hurt me, but it is definitely hard work. I'm not saying that people never say things to intentionally hurt and offend, but the only person who can dictate how we feel, and react, is us. When we let others say things to us, and we let those things hurt, we have relinquished our only power and defense. Like Bryce (and Tammy), we have to choose for ourselves to be happy. We have to choose to not let it hurt. We have to choose to love them anyway. Remember, a soft answer turneth away wrath. P.S. Choosing to be happy and not let things offend--absolutely does NOT happen overnight. Good thing we still have 20 days left. :)
Thank you for your encouraging words. Love is so interesting, that total strangers can give advice that is so pertinent to another and make that other person feel better....that is true love. The part about power is right on the target. I have a lot of self confidence and am able to pull my self up and move on. It is just so nice to be able to vent and hear some words of counsel from others. Thank you again for this blog and for the chance to share feelings that are deep and meaningful and in return receive such words of love and warmth.
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